So last I was here, we were getting ready to head to MN for the liz logelin foundation walk and gala events. They were both all I expected them to be, Awesome! The walk was fun, I have to say I only walked part of it and then came back to socialize, and win a raffle prize…but the people who were there, cream of the crop. I was elated to meet Lauren, Emily, Melissa, Darcie, Nancy and so many others…super neat people, I only wish we lived closer! Much money was raised and to top it off, the humidity didn’t kill me, an extra plus.

The Gala, now that was a night to remember, for a LONG time! Top notch, that Logelin, he knows how to throw a party and a classy one at that, WHO KNEW!?! From the highly organized auction items to the linens, cakes and flowers, it felt like a prom, if only Matt’s date had been there. It was bittersweet knowing Liz and Matt had been married only 4 years ago at that very location, in a room similar to the one we were in. She would be so honored. The buzz and mood in the room was palpable. Everyone wanted to do what they could do support this foundation. Money was raised that was unbelievable, especially considering our economic crisis in America. Can I just say, I have never felt so good spending that much money, oh yeah…and to walk away with a weeniemobile was icing on the cake, at least for my husband…it went something like this..

Let me set the scene for you…I was outside on the patio with screaming, angry, sweaty baby wanting to show her new half-ass walking ability…Mark was inside engaging in the “live auction” part of the evening…prior to taking my turn outside he said..”I’m just going to have some fun trying it out, you know, raise my number to increase the bid”

So, I am outside hearing something that sounded like “homminahomminahommina” SOLD….to Mark in California for $450.00….knowing my husband was the only Mark from California there, I shot my head up and twisted my neck around to find him in the crowd…WTF, I thought he was gonna just raise the bid not MAKE THE BID…he has always been slow to respond and probably didn’t realize he lifted his number a “little too late”. So I go in search of him, half mad, half not…it’s for a good cause right? But a $45o.00 weeniemobile, for our DAUGHTER, really?? Well, Maddy has one, so I guess we cool. She will either be the coolest girl in the neighboorhood “check out my weenie” or hated by all the vegetarians in the neighborhood who are disgusted with us and in turn, our sweet child. When I finally ran into my husband he had a look on his face I will NEVER forget…a totally forced, fake, open-mouthed smile like “I got it can you believe it” along with “shit, I totally didn’t mean to do that and are you pissed”? He won’t admit it but I know he was surprised by my response when all I said is “cool, how we gettin it home”? Of course it was the one thing Matt shipped to MN thinking someone there would end up with the delishes dog, but alas, Matt will have to ship it back to Cali. That’s the least he could do since we took that giant piece of plastic off his hands for $450.00 I still can’t believe it..can we consider it McKenna’s Christmas gift…who pays that? All I can say is she better love that weenie and ride the hell out of it.

The biggest highlight of the night was seeing Mark’s painting getting auctioned off…it went for $2100 to a family member of Liz’s. They plan on passing it around the family to enjoy. What an honor to have others love his hard work as much as we do…the print of the painting went for $260 to Matt’s mom, Sara. We love her! It was fun to watch my husband beam! The barrettes I made were won by a sweet pregnant woman, recently widowed who is due to have her daughter any day. Weird thing is, I read her blog and it wasn’t until I was home and caught up with my reading that I learned she was not only at the auction but got my barrettes! I was so elated…I had hoped they would go to someone special! I can’t think of anyone better. Needless to say this event was heart-warming through and through and it ranks as one of the top experiences of my lifetime!

The remainder of our trip we spent visiting Mark’s family, traveling to the Nelson Cheese Factory in Wisconsin, eating at BW3’s and visiting my father n law’s gravesite. Mark painstakingly designed the headstone for his parents and it was awesome to see it in person! What a touching artisitic legacy…so nice to see it when it wasn’t snowing. All in all, we had a whirlwind trip full of fun and feeling…wouldn’t want it any other way!

Cheers to the next trip!

I am excited to say that my family will be one of the many supporting Matt and Maddy this weekend at the Liz Logelin Foundation events that are scheduled. Can I say it again, EXCITED! Not only because I get to go somewhere, or take a much needed vacay from my ever stressful, never enough staff or resources, county job that is Crisis Mental Health…but also because it is for Matt and Maddy and for LIZ and all the other families who have had what I think is the most unsurmountable loss I can think of for a spouse and parent, the loss of “their other”. Not only will we be hanging with our good friends, but my husband is from MN, as well. We will extend our stay and visit family and see landmarks that this Cali girl is not much interested in when we are there in the winter. My awesome cousin will be at our house to “keep an eye on things” which makes me feel good knowing our house is being cared for, I’m a little paranoid, my MN husband has slowly made me this way.

We will not only attend these events, but have pulled together our crafty skills to give what I think are some pretty awesome donations. I made some adorable barrettes with crystals on them and my sister made a gorgeous necklace/earrings set.

But the real reason I am excited is the painting that my husband completed as a donation for the event…it has been kept under wraps, so hopefully I won’t blow it by mentioning this prematurely…but really, nobody reads my crap so, really I feel safe at this point. And to justify my eagerness, Matt never said I couldn’t mention anything. IT IS AWESOME!! It is a robot painting, of course. The big, infamous, red robot is Matt, and he is large and walking through the tall builidings in NY, with spotlights flashing on him and then there is the smaller, pink robot with the big blue eyes, riding on his shoulder…that’s all I should say…There are so many other “special” details about this painting, that are specific to references Matt has made in his blog…this is truly a GIFT of love.. My sweet husband, has worked tirelessly on this painting, on top of his full time job working remotely from home, while caring for our daughter…Can you get a better husband than that? This gal doesn’t think so…and he donated a motorcycle print he did too. What a relief to get it all off in the mail yesterday and out of our hair for the auction on Sunday. TOO awesome…We just had to be there, to see how much it garners for the foundation. I will be beaming with pride and satisfaction when I watch the happiness on my husband’s face. And really, isn’t that was this is all about…Love, family, supporting our loved ones, remembering those we have lost but that continue to mean so much to us…and GIVING of ourselves and our talents to help others. So inspiring…what a gift Matt has given us! I.Can’t.Wait! Now, we just need to get McKenna through the flight!!! Can’t wait to report on how this all goes!

 

P.S. Don’t forget to walk and check out the online auction!

September 5, one year ago. Although this is published late, it is an account of where I was in my mind on this day. All day today, and yesterday really, becuase that is really when it all started. September 4, my water broke, in bed, after sleeping what would be my last LONG slumber…12 hours. It was FANTASTIC…I miss sleeping like that. Hell, I would take 5 hours, if I could these days. After racing around trying to find something to put down in the car, we were off to the hospital for what would be the next most arduous 30 hours of my life. Let’s suffice it to say, I felt traumatized. Not only becuase they didn’t have a bed for me for 8 hours, which meant my only option was to hold the wall or walk, but the various nurses who couldn’t decide if I was 9 1/2 cm. dialated or 6. After 29 hours, I was only a 6. Baby high, not engaged, cervix swollen, baby sunnyside up..not good…guess my kid decided she didn’t want her head squeezed, so c-section it was. So all day today, as the clock ticked, I retraced the steps of my first delivery. Let’s just say I have never had a cavity, broken bone, or stitch prior to this major surgery and it scared the shit out of me, enough that I really thought I meant it that I would never have another child..well, I haven’t yet, but I am sure I will. As a side note, I have to travel to local hospitals to complete psychiatric assessments for work, and every time I have to go to that hospital, I still feel anxious. Wonder when that will fade, hopefully by the next birth…so my baby, really it is her day, not mine.

We had a little party at home. My mother in law has been here from MN, my mom was present, my Aunt Sandra, and my friend Holly. We got a very lovely cake, McKenna loved it. She picked up her piece of angel food cake with chocolate and fruit and stuffed it in her mouth like she had been eating for years. Adorable, cake was much better than the Vons one too! She got some lovely clothes, and books and new dishes. Uncle Ryan sent a neat travel high chair that attaches to a table, and some baby sign language, amongst other things. All in all, it was a good day. I think she could get used to parties!

McKenna had her first party, albeit one week before her actual birthday, as it falls on Labor Day weekend. Having a holiday birthday myself, I know how hard it is to plan a party on a long weekend. So one week early it was! It. was. FABULOUS! We had a great turnout…many of our adult friends and family took time out to come to The Little Gym for some tumbling and cake. My mom’s 4 cousins came, my cousin and her family came, as well as some friends from college, work (past and present) and my mom and sister! McKenna couldn’t walk, so that meant mom had to jump around like a fool, holding her, oh and fall on the deflated air mat thingy, that was cute. But she had an awesome time looking around and crawling and playing with balls (she loves balls) better look out for later, and bubbles. Matt and Maddy joined us for the weekend, which was a super special treat and we just had great company all weekend long. We even took them up to the Yosemite Sugarpine Railroad. McKenna got lots of neat gifts. She got a book all about her name, many clothes and books, some cool skull and crossbones shoes, a Rody (which is a rubber, rocking horse) and a pink, rubber cow (from Matt and Maddy from Kitson). Wow! Who knew McKenna would be so stylish at such a young age, when her parents shop at lame stores? All in all, this birthday will be hard to top!  The theme was poodles, of couse. And as a side note, McKenna blew out her cute outfit just before heading to party, so I had to change her, that sucked. Then on the way, Matt says, “hey, Jeffra, I think you have some shit on your shirt”, yup, shit on the front of my white shirt…nice…that was just before we found out Costco gave away our pizza’s for the party…we were late, to our own party…better luck next year!

This was my first birthday with McKenna. It was so much fun, we went to the coast and saw my mom and sister…we went swimming in Joan’s pool and got to show off baby girl’s swimming skills. She got her first real sunburn, I felt horrible. We drove around until I could find some aloe to put on her. Guess we put her sunscreen on too close to swimming, she didn’t seem nearly as bothered as we were by it. We went shopping downtown and got gifts for a dinner we are going to this weekend in L.A. Liz wrapped them beautifully from her store, Papyrus. We got to watch the SLO Criterion bike race in downtown. This was unexpected but really fun to watch. Avila beach was great, McKenna loved the waves and wind but didn’t like wet sand, she kept retracting her legs and wouldn’t put her feet down. The middle of the night, Mexican food looked iffy at best and later was confirmed to be not, not good..as I was on the toilet throughout the night! Nothing says happy birthday better than fire butt all night!! Good times!! Guess Mark made the wise choice to get a sandwich at AmPm. I got some cookbooks, hhhmmm, don’t cook these days and hubby got me a FANTASTIC Nikon D90 camera, lenses, bag, cleaner and all! So awesome, now I can get pics of all of McKenna’s “little bits”! Hubby definitely made up for Mother’s day, in a BIG way…card from him and baby and all…

Firestone grill…awesome food! by the way..all in all, awesome weekend! Having McKenna on my birthday with her cute little 4th outfit, was the best gift yet!!

My first one ever. Somehow I guess I thought there would be fireworks, but there wasn’t. I guess I knew there really wouldn’t be, but still I had hoped. Hoped that I would be made to feel like I was forever appreciated, that my husband would laud me for my untiring efforts to nurse in the night, work all day and do it all over again with the same effort, grace and diligence that accompanied that first day back at work. He must have lost the memo…not so much as a card from my thoughtful husband. I should mention, he did make me breakfast at 12:45 after rolling out of bed around 1o and then heading off to the store…at least he remembered to tell me Happy Mother’s Day…it just seemed so ill prepared and after the fact, just like any other day (only I rarely get a cooked meal made by said husband). No preparation or forethought, the kind of stuff that lets you know that he thought about you in advance of your day and wanted to make it extra perfect. Cleaning the toilets and tub is nice too, but doesn’t that have to get done anyway? What qualifies that as a present? He knew I was disappointed, he thought he was appealing to my frugal/cards are a waste of trees anyway attitude I usually employ. But somehow, the first mother’s day is different. Birthdays, Christmas’ have always been in our lives, we can’t remember the very first ones, so it seems monotonous, somehow unspecial, everyone has one..a birthday, Christmas. Not everyone is a mother and you very much remember your FIRST mother’s day. Guess somehow my “rules” about how to celebrate this one were different. I wanted that stupid card, I guess to hear from husband how wonderful he thinks I am, to reinforce that I am a good mommy to his baby and that he is perfectly happy and content that he picked me to be the mommy of his little girl! Seems contrite as I write this now, my ego is stonger than this. But little reminders of how our loved ones feel of us help, right? Guess it is because it was the FIRST, some stupid, self imposed idea I had that it would be this magical memory I would have. So, I shared with hubby that I was a little disappointed, he looked deflated. Clearly, he thought he was doing what I would have wanted. I am pretty low maintenance, which usually translates into “Jeffra is easy-going and won’t pitch a fit, so anything she gets is good and she won’t care if it is kinda an afterthought”. This seems to be the attitude some family members (not hubby)  have had when purchasing me presents cuz usually there isn’t much I want so I guess I am hard to buy for. My husband recognizes this and in turn, attempts to make up for it by getting me awesome gifts he thought up himself with fancy packaging that makes a girl giggle. I guess I have grown accustomed to this (look what he started) and now expect it. That is awful! I shared that I would have liked to put my first card in the baby book, to which he replied “is there a spot for that in there, I’ll run out a get you one, then”. “No, sweetheart, that defeats the purpose”. So..I sit with the deflation that I felt underappreciated and unnoticed on “my day”, even though in reality, that is not the case at all. How selfish! My hubby is the best, most supportive one I know. To be fair, I received cards from my mother and sister and beautiful roses from my sweet cousin. Just not from the person I most wanted to acknowledge me. As I make sense of these incongruencies, I realize that truly, mother’s day is EVERYDAY…everyday that baby M loves me and gives me the opportunity to be her mommy! I reflect on the fact that I have a healthy, baby to love this mother’s day, (while other families are grieving their losses instead) and that is the greatest gift I could ask for. Take that Hallmark!

P.S.  I have a sneaking suspicion that next mother’s day may be very different! diamond earrings, maybe *wink wink*

I am amazed by this new world I have recently found, internet blogs. WOW! It is unlike any hobby, addiction, or source of support I have ever found. It is a world within a world..and the neat thing about it is how easily one can transform blog friends into friends IRL (in real life). For awhile now, I have been in search of new friends…not that I am abandoning my old friends, but so many of them have moved away or aren’t yet on the same journey of parenthood. I just want to add new friends to the mix…really…you can never have too many…and honestly..it is hard now…to do the things we used to do now that we have a wee one…most non-parents don’t really want to hang out at my house or maybe at the park…malls, movies, most restaurants…are out of the question..It is different now, what we put our focus on and what consumes our day. Don’t get me wrong, I love my non-parent friends, but there is SOMETIMES a disconnect in what my life consists of now and the new challenges parenting brings. All my non-parent friends…don’t get offended…it isn’t all of you and someday you will know what I mean..unless you have no friends without kids..and then you have been spared…but really…How do you have empathy for the friend who complains about not getting enough sleep because they chose to stay out late and who can’t wait until they get home from work to take a nap? When all you want is ONE night of good sleep in 7 months? and no nap when you get home from work. It is just a different life now. I try to remain empathetic, afterall, I chose to have a baby, and I don’t want to put up barriers in the remaining wonderful friendships that I currently have…but damn…clueless..Guess I probably was too before embarking on this fantastically, tired journey. So anyway…I digress…

The internet…blogs…new friends….

It all started with following matt, liz and madeline and their sad yet inspiring story of love, hope and rebirth…and I was hooked. That led to following other blogs…and getting to meet Matt and Maddy in person…and the many others of bloggers and friends who Matt has captivated…and what do yo know…a whole new network of friends…babies and all…all experiencing what my husband and I go through…instant understanding, empathy and no need to “explain”. The new world of support and friendship that I have found through blogging and that one People magazine article, has made my life so much more exciting…granted…my new friends are still “out of town” got to work on that…but they are still my friends…and really that is all that matters. I love the internet!!! So to all my new friends…matt and maddy and their family….tricia, joe and bella (with the skinny jeans), jayneoni and plum, gina lee, chris and her brood, heather and maddie moo (miss you so much…) to you…I am thankful for our new friendships and hope they last a lifetime!!

Now if I can only convince the non-bloggers in my life of how wonderful it is…I think they look at my like they once did when I said I met the man of my dreams on Eharmony and was flying to Vegas to meet him. That all worked out famously…so have a little faith people…put yourselves out there…try something new and out of your comfort zone..I did and have found a new appreciation for the people in my life and how fortunate I am for the health of my daughter and the companionship and life of my husband…and reaching out in support of others, like mamasphor is sooo fulfilling…I can’t imagine my circle without these people in it…Guess the village just got a little bit larger and closer. And for that…we are all fortunate!

Last night was really the first night in 7 months that my husband and I really had some ADULT time…weird how your priorities change when you have a wee one at home. Not that we ever really went out before the babe, but it is the fact that we could go out before. It would have been better if I didn’t have to work today, so that was in the back of my mind, keeping me from really tearing it up…oh and the fact that I was the DD for my husband, and I still nurse. Something always holding me back.  All in all, though, 2 glasses of wine later, I was feeling pretty relaxed and like a single (no kid) adult…liberating…or was it? Although I enjoyed my time at the wedding, great company, music, and one on one time with my big man…mommyhood was tugging inside of me…wondering how the grandma’s were doing with the routine, wishing I was home with baby, since I am gone all day at work…feeling like I am gone from her too much and she won’t be a baby for long and I will have somehow missed it…if that is possible. Really, if I am not at work, I am with her…yet it never feels enough…I miss being on maternity leave…where all my time was focused on her and what she needed at THAT moment. So wish I could stay home…maybe with the next baby….maybe…Guess really my favorite Adult time is now…Baby time…priorities, weird how that works!

Finally…i had hoped it wouldn’t…but it did…and really i have been waiting….for her to BITE me…when it happened i wasn’t looking at her or really paying attention, until the pain seared through me and then there was no doubt…”AAAAHHHHH” I yelled and looked at her. She kinda did a double take at me and sat intently…then that mischevious look in her eye and she let go..only for that big smile to sneak across her face, mouth open! Not fazed at all…not upset by my loud reaction…only to nurse again. Oh how hesitant i was to let her nurse again after that. This is the ONLY time that i have in the slightest considered drying up instantly and giving formula….but then…how could i deny my sweet baby…but if she bites me again….

what happened to it…i miss it. So much, I covet it. it has become like a drug..something i can never get enough of, including last night. so..today was the first day i had to call in to work to say i would be a few hours late..to get sleep. not something i am proud of…not something i would have ever done before said baby was born. something i would likely have turned my nose up at to another new mother..oh how i have grown. i am so glad that my coworkers are more forgiving than i might have been. what a waste of time off to use it to sleep…what a different perspective i have now. i can’t think of using it for anything better. sad…this new focus…but without it..i can’t function..i get headaches and i can’t be what my family needs…which leads me to…why do some people need so much more sleep than others..i why did i ever take my 10-12 hours of sleep for granted? my mom says…you will “get by” your body adjusts…well i keep waiting. i have been back at work now for 2 months…hoping said baby will begin to sleep better. it seems to be getting worse. last night, she awoke 4 times, 3 of those times were every 45 minutes…why…i don’t think she is always hungry…milestones i guess. she is getting stuck on her belly now and can’t get back over..but not the case last night. i can’t figure it out..i am too tired to figure it out. all i know is i am grateful for the extra winks i got this morning…funny, she slept 4 hours this morning…sigh….