Today you are 17 months. I cannot believe it has been 17 months since you came into our lives and brought us more happiness than we could ever have imagined! 17 months since my round belly was aching and my water broke as I awakened and rolled out of bed. 17 months of being a mommy…I love you so much, McKenna, you make me whole! I love being your mommy! You can do so many things now. Some of the newer things you can do are:

1) walk on your tip toes

2) jump

3)spin…on command, I might add

4) recently started sleeping through the night…Most awesome skill yet!

5) blow bubbles in the tub

6) grew in all your teeth, minus your second set of molars

7) hug the dogs and pet them without tormenting them and ripping their hair out

say “Par, Par” for Park, your favorite place to be!

9) color with a crayon or pen

10) eat less messily with a spoon (most gets in your mouth)

11) Scream with excitement, turn your hands upside down like “I can’t believe it” and dance and spin on the floor when either mom or dad come home and see you! Such a gift to us both!

We love you so much McKenna, you have no idea! Thank you for being our biggest blessing ever! Happy 17 months, baby girl!

Love Forever,

Mom

 

Lately, I miss my husband. He works so much and is always at home, behind the computer. We are both there, at home, which gives me some sense of closeness but I miss laying in bed watching tv. I miss our conversations about the ongoings in the world and what we each think of things. Part of this is winter, and just not being able to do much outside. We do make an effort, almost daily, to take McKenna to the park for 45 min. or so to get her out of the house and work on her gross motor control and to play and have stimulation outside of our 4 walls. But, I think we are dedicated to US getting out of the house too! The other part of missing Mark is that he is constantly playing catch up. Since we are dedicated to keeping McKenna out of day care, he attempts to meet her needs in the day and work too…doesn’t always work out too well. Then when I get home in the late afternoon, I take  over and he begins plowing through work in an attempt to meet his deadlines. Their art deadlines are crazy unrealistic anyway, much more work than 8 hours daily can accomplish. So, really, he is working what feels to be around the clock. He doesn’t go to bed most nights until 2-3 am and then is up again around 8:30-9 when Miss M wakes up. He is so dedicated to her and his work, so our relationship usually is what sits on the backburner, and that’s ok, we agreed to this and try to make up for it on the weekends. Although, for the past 3 weekends we have not and I am beginning to feel it. He has had to work the majority of the last few weekends as getting “caught up” during the week is proving to be less fruitful. Having several widow friends, I feel bad even feeling this way, since at least I HAVE my husband and can plan things with him. I am truly grateful for that and our situation isn’t  bad, so really this isn’t me complaining. I am ok with our decision. There are just tinges of our pre-parental life that I really miss.

On the one hand, it doesn’t bother me because it lessens his stress when he knows he has that time to catch up, which makes us both feel better and it’s what needs to be done to keep McK home with him and continue to save on day care costs….BUT having to entertain her away from the house so he can work is hard when 1) I have tons of housework that is glaring at me that I can never get to 2) I would rather have him with us 3) I don’t want to take her to the zoo or anything “Special” since I feel it is unfair he would be missing out. 4) I don’t want to compromise our closeness by never getting time to connect. Maybe I am complaining, just a wee bit. I just miss him.

So I am thinking about what we can do as a couple that will be special. I am not sure yet. My mom will come up later this month for a 3 day weekend and I am thinking I might want to go overnight with him separate from McKenna. Even just writing that gives me anxiety. I have never spent a night away from her. If we decide to do it, I know just what we will be doing…sleeping in! If we decide we just can’t leave her, I think a nice dinner out and maybe a movie or dinner theatre might be a nice way to connect…here’s to hoping!

I leave you with a picture of the most important reason we do any of this anyway…

TOTALLY worth it!

Well, we survived McKenna’s first blood incident, not her first injury, mind you…but her first blood incident. We still don’t know what really happened, but we have surmised that she slit her right thumb on the hall mirror which is on the back of a door. I could be sharp if you rubbed it the right (or in this case) the wrong way. When it happened I was standing across from her in the kitchen, making her last sippy of milk before bed. I was feeling accomplished and slighly organized. Kid bathed, med given, jammies check. Only thing left was milk and teeth brushed. She just sat there whimpering on the floor. I looked up and saw blood like war paint, all over her face, blood on her outfit and smeared on the floor. WTF! I was standing right there! As my heart started pounding, I searched her over and found that lone thumb. It kept bleeding, and bleeding. I called for Mark and he got me some papertowels and he worked on locating some bandaids…why do they never know where things are, and yet they have seen them a million times…I digress. Anyhow, as I am waiting for said bandage, my little miss is fighting me and fussing that I have now entrapped her thumb and she cannot move. My kid HATES to be held down or detained in any way. She could have cared less about the blood. Mark on the other hand, was turning everything off ready to head off to the hospital. I, trying not to overreact and remember to remain rationally focused, attempted to look at it. This has never bothered me before and I now realize another way that having a child has changed me. After initial inspection (limited since my kid won’t hold still) I felt that it wasn’t that deep and wouldn’t need a stitch since the skin was touching and not pulled apart. In hindsight, I still feel that was a fair assessment but for a different reason. I was a lifeguard for many years and saw many injuries and felt confident that if it was bandaged overnight it would close and begin healing. That was with the premise that it would STAY bandaged. Thank God it wasn’t her thumbsucking thumb, or this would be a different post entirely! McKenna had other ideas about this plan. Long story short, she ripped countless bandages off, varying from band aids to gauze with very sticky medical tape. She used her teeth, she used her other hand, whatever it took, she did not like being restricted. 2 things that were really great during this process are 1) finding bandaids in the crib with blood all over the sheets and dried to my kid’s face/lips while sleeping 2) watching my child actually chew on and rip the skin on her injured thumb, thus making her slice a tear…awesome! WHO does this, may I ask? Doesn’t a 17 month old realize that shit hurts? Mark and I became super neurotic about that thumb and keeping a bandage on it, we should take out stock in the company we went through so many. I began to worry if it would ever heal so we took  her in the pediatrician, who may as well double as a grandfather with as many times as we have visited him this winter. He states “ah, you again”. Not a good way to feel like an accomplished parent, I assure you. The conversation went something like this “what has McKenna been up to lately”, me: “oh you know, slicing her thumb on who knows what” him: “mmmmhhhmmmm, mmmmhhhmmm”, as he inspects it, then “well, it could have used a stitch that first night, but what you did was fine too, hopefully it won’t get infected since she is still on her antibiotics”, me: “well that is good, I am glad they came in handy and we are getting our money’s worth for dual uses”. “So what do we do to keep an injury like this bandaged when our child gnaws like a rat”? him: “well, try to keep it wrapped up over the wrist and tape it” me: “and when she eats the tape” him: “she is very resourceful, I’m not sure”. GAH…Tell me something I don’t know. The good news in handling her finger at home is that had we gone into the ER, he said they would have confined her on a papoose board to stitch it! OMG, that would have never worked with this little wiggler and she and I would have been traumatized for years to come. Even though I addressed her cut at home for the reason that I thought it was less deep than it was, I unknowingly made the best choice for all involved to avoid Mr. Papoose! Let’s hope he heals quickly, cuz she needs a bath!

It is normal and healthy for couples to disagree and even argue a bit. I have been in these relationships, but with Mark, it is different. It really doesn’t happen very often, like maybe once every 6 months, maybe once every 2 months if you want to count a small irritation that is only worthy of an eye roll. Needless to say, we are very fortunate, Very fortunate…and to think a computer matched us! EHarmony matched us back in October 2003. There is something intrinsically wrong with a computer matching a couple better than they could have matched themselves on their own, but that is a story for another day. There are certain things, though, that I know will piss him off…he is like a kettle, slow to warm, but when he finally has had enough, he may throw his cap on the ground (happened once) or may raise his voice (rare) or generally just shake his head and go off by himself to stew or sleep it off. These things involve having poor judgment with our kid, like when I left the den door open and she fell over on her head in her walker…GUILTY! no getting out of that one or the time I got identity fraud cuz I used the blue mailbox on the side of the road (how was I to blame for being the victim, hello) or the most recent time that I, uh, washed his leather wallet and all it’s innards….oh yeah and then dried it. I kept wondering why all this paper was in there…and then I saw it, the wallet, SHIT! with all his coveted receipts, for what I don’t know, and phone numbers to art studios, and medical cards and many other things, that if you ask me, should be kept somewhere safe, not in your wallet. It could get stolen, for pete sakes, or your wife could wash it. So, I proceeded to finish the laundry, judging his current mood to determine when might be a good time to broach the subject. I opted to just lob it out there, while he was working on the computer. He looked at me and said “What….damn it!” I told him I saved what I could and it was in the kitchen. He was not happy and started citing all the things he lost and how I had ruined the pictures of myself, McKenna, his nephew and parents (his father is deceased now so not a good pic. to ruin). I offered to try to replace them….then it came…he said “why didn’t you check my pockets?”, I told him I did…a cursory check, he has like a million pockets in those shorts that he has 4 pair of and the weight of the shorts seemed right, so I threw them in. Then I had to say “how many times have I asked you to take your wallet, keys, change, important shit OUT OF YOUR POCKETS like a normal person when you discard them on the floor, or preferably in the basket like I have asked a million times. Of course he thought I was failing to accept the appropriate blame and didn’t like that I was joining him in part responsibility for this wallet fiasco. But really, don’t you think this happened because we both failed in part? And really, why AM I doing his laundry for him, if he doesn’t like it, he can dump his own pockets and wash them himself. Anyway, guarantee I will be checking in the future….hoping that was our only dispute for the next 6 months. I leave you with what I captured as the remnants of his wallet….oh, and isn’t my glamour shot hot!? Also, notice our goal sheet survived…in the long run that is all that matters right, making it to the next goal, together..with awesome wallet stories to tell and listening to Mark open his handy back-up vacation wallet instead! What a nerd…he loves reminding me everytime I hear it rrrriiiiiippppp!

Christmas pics first…

I made the light ball…

Our visit to the snow up next…

perfect features..

our crazy friend who could have killed himself at this height (Pic is misleading) all to fix a light…

My old man thinking he is a kid again back in MN. He caught some fierce air, don’t ya think?

If you are weak at heart, skip the next pic. I am weird, that is why I add this touch of my personality to my blog. I found this next tidbit in the snow very interesting…don’t you? I had never seen this occurrence before so I had to capture it, in all it’s glory…

Moving right along..

Next up…boat pics of the “Dutch Treat” donated to the LLF. It went up on auction today…can’t wait to hear what it went for!

Notice how enthusiastic McKenna is above…

That one is just because she is adorable!

Post-Christmas with my sister and mom!

Early December with friends, Matt and Maddy and Tricia, Joe and Bella…

McKenna and BFF, Bella

Last but not least are some pics from Heather Spohr’s baby shower

and the beautiful table decorations…

Whew, that was alot of work…hope you enjoy these…be back soon! You can always look at my flickr link for more pics

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeffragay/

Yup, still working on those pics…but wanted to come here and complain about being sick. Being a fortunate asthmatic, EVERY illness I get, goes straight to the lungs. I can feel it crawl down my throat and settle in like a long winter’s nap. What ensues for the next 2 weeks, on average, is a deep, barking “seal like” cough that burns to no end and is accompanied by a moderate case of phlegm, which typically is difficult to dispel. Usually sounds pretty gross too. It sucks, to say the least. My asthma worsens, sleep is difficult, and I sometimes think…someday my lungs might fail me. I might be the old lady who gets pneumonia and never makes it through the winter, if how my lungs handle the average virus is any indication. Hopefully, someday Asthma will be cured, in the meantime, I am sorry for everyone who must listen to me! Hopefully, nobody else will get sick, namely miss McKenna since she is still on antibiotics for an ear infection that all started back on Dec. 12. Please….

I am getting off early today to watch miss mck so that hubby can go to his ortho appointment. Today they will be doing some xrays and measurements to see how much progress he has made! His teeth are looking great and it has only been 10 months, not even half way through the expected treatment time. So, I have been contemplating how I will use my afternoon. The house is a disaster and really should be cleaned. It is doubtful that McKenna will let me clean, so maybe we will go to the park and enjoy our time together! Mark made a slow-cooked roast last night, so dinner will be easy to whip together. Good thing, since it seems I might be getting a cold. My throat is sore and my asthma is worse, which are usually indicators to me. Mark will be exhausted, as he stayed up all night working night before last so we probably won’t get our pics up for another day or so…just being away from work will be a nice free afternoon, no matter what we end up doing!

I have many posts sort of written in my head, of course, they have accompanying pictures which are sitting in my camera, waiting to be loaded on the computer. So far, I have done really well at hauling the camera around to get all the shots I need, so I can blog, yet when it comes to the following through, I am falling short, very short, especially being 5′1″, HAHA! I could give many excuses, but alas, none of them really matter when my blog is so behind. Even my friends who have less help with their (numerous) kids, are on the ball more than I. All I can say is I am working on it. Let’s see if I can just touch on a few things….Christmas was awesome, it was quiet and messy and enjoyable! New Year’s we went over to our friend, Hector’s house to spend it with his family and 3 little boys, ages 5,3,2. I attended graduate school with Hector and we have remained good friends ever since. His wife is awesome, and puts up with my foul comments that I interject and throw in Hector’s face when he attempts to exert his verbal “ego”, err, I mean prowess. We had yummy pulled pork sandwiches and coleslaw and Mark made his family favorite, Cookie Salad, sans mandarin oranges (they just don’t belong), in my fine opinion! It was a wonderful time, we have been going to Hector’s for New Year’s Eve the past 3 of 4 years. It is a great time to catch up and have the kids play. McKenna thought it would be really cool to give the boys one of her yummy tongue kisses, and proceeded to chase them around the house, as they did NOT want a yummy tongue kiss. Of course, even at 16 months, this just spurred her on, following after them with her tongue wagging. I had visions of her tripping and biting it off…one day boys, you will be sad you missed out on this fine opportunity…Alas, we had a few drinks and listened to Hector attempt to secure a sound dowry for the marriage of McKenna and any one of his fine sons. Mark, Hector and McKenna thought it would only be fitting to ring in the New Year while playing the drums, and she was smiling ear to ear! I.AM.DOOMED! She was able to hold the sticks and make decent noise, which pleased her pops to no end. (Insert picture here, oh wait, that one is on my phone).

Mark and I took the week of New Year’s off to get some family time in and projects accomplished. We did this while McKenna insisted on getting another virus and subsequent ear infection. We started round two of antibiotics and she was on the mend while we went through the garage and attempted to de-clutter. Yes, de-clutter I said…what that really means is the adults get to get rid of their own treasures to accomodate the barage of presents, clothes, and baby items that have now littered our house from said child. We want to save these items for the next baby, let us just hope it is another girl! Speaking of which, this New Year brings the new prospect of trying  for baby #2, but not until August. We have it timed so hopefully my mom will be off from teaching and can help us. I have some time to try something I used to do in the distant past, exercise! I need to get some weight off before we do this again, to lower my risk of the gestational diabetes, and so it begins. We plan on getting a treadmill in the near future to help procure self preservation, in the form of the HATED E word. It needs to happen. So back to our vacay…garage is better, we got in some park time and rest and took baby girl to the snow for the 1st time…to my MN friends, I am sure they are giggling, or not…becuase they have been inundated with so much snow, the thought of their kids having never seen it is, well just, unlikely. Our friends invited us up to their family cabin between Shaver and Huntington Lakes. It was beautiful, about an 80 minute drive. We broke out all of our lately unused snowboarding wear and donned it as if we knew what we were doing…at least we looked good! Let’s just say I lasted about 15 minutes becuase McKenna lasted about 10. Good thing she lives in the valley in Cali, cuz that girl “ain’t feeling it”. Her snow loving daddy, stayed out for hours building snow ball fighting forts with the boys 7 and 9, which gave our friends a break and reminded me why I hate going to non-baby proofed houses! Mark broke a serious sweat out there and had a great time reminescing about his MN tundra roots. BLEH! No offense peeps, I just am Not the one! It was great to hang out with our friends in an alternate setting than Sweet Tomatoes Restaurant.

On another note, I know I have talked about donating my boat, I have pictures to share, on my camera! Maybe the next post will be ALL pics and you can reference this post to see the words! It is an old, tired boat…but goes fast and brought me much pride and fun while I had it those 6 years. It had become a low priority and fell into disrepair and became a cumbersome fixture on the back patio which could be used for better things, like McKenna riding on her most awesome weinermobile, she got for Christmas! She loves it but do you know how hard it is to push a long weiner through a hallway!??!! Yeah, you get the visual…it needs a backup noise! Our hope is we can move it out back in the spring. All in all, it was a good decision to donate the boat, just tugs on my heartstrings a bit, becuase my kids won’t get to experience the boating life that many of my childhood memories are wrapped around. I remind myself, my history doesn’t have to be my children’s and we will have different experiences and fond memories. It is for the best!

Lastly, I attended a very special lady’s baby shower yesterday in Los Angeles. Heather Spohr looked beautiful, radiant and entirely comfortable in her Very pregnant body! She makes pregnancy look awesome…it was a lovely sunny day, with beautiful decorations, tasty food and most importantly, many of her friends, including bloggers who attended to share in her joy! It was wonderful to see her revelling in the impending birth of her daughter with all she has been through this past year. I don’t think I would be far off the mark to say that Maddie was on the minds of everyone present, and by looking at several of her gifts, she will continue to play an ever present role in the life of binky! It was a wonderful day, did I mention my awesome husband entertained lil miss at various parks in town and sat in the car while she napped, so I could have big girl time!?! I am a lucky lady! I love you, Mark!

One more tidbit…I finally decided I could take on the challenge of starting allergy shots, you know where you take them for several years. My hope was that I could get off some of these asthma inhalers and limit any long term side effects. My Primary Care Physician referred me out and I met with Dr. A. Clearly he is an arrogant man who is NOT interested in working with his patients on a viable treatment plan…Do they not understand that their A) business is contingent on patient’s returning for ongoing care and B) must be willing to take the medication they are prescribing? He really didn’t seem to care that I am still breastfeeding, well pumping really, but that doesn’t change this issue… I asked if I could return to what worked for me in the past…Flovent and Serevent…I was willing to use the Flonase in my nose (reluctantly). He said “No, I want you to use this”. Mind you, this is all in an effort to get me “stable” enough to do the damn allergy testing to get to the point of starting shots. After checking with the pediatrician and getting his blessing, I started this Symbicort crap….hesitant that I would have the same issues as I did with Advair…THRUSH…in my throat, white, furry crap! Exciting, when you can pass it to your husband. But I gave it a shot…within 3 weeks, here we are, with thrush. So, I called the office..explained the situation to the “NURSE” who after going over my concerns said “ok, so you have THRUST” no that isn’t a typo..it was all I could do to not go sarcastic on her ass and say “Thrust, why don’t I thrust something into you”? instead I said “did you say thrust, I have THRUSH, do you know what that is”? She then said she would call back after speaking to the Dr. Awhile later, a different nurse returned my call..a different NURSE, mind you..and just starts rambling about something she was calling in and that Dr. said I need to “keep taking the Symbicort” while I also take an internal antifungal pill for 10 days…Why in the hell would I keep taking a medication that is giving a problem like Thrush which requires I take another med, an antifungal to combat it?!?! especially when I AM TELLING YOU THAT THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE THAT WORKS FOR ME?!? She wouldn’t even acknowledge my concerns and told me to make an appointment. WTF?! What I also know from going down this path is that it is better to use a mouth swish for fungus than an internal pill, it is harder on your system. Wonder if he considered that I am breastfeeding, not even on his radar…and truly, the fungus isn’t super bad, I can tell when it starts in the early stages and can eat yogurt and stop the inhaler and said FUNGUS dissipates on its own, which is what I did. He is SOOO fired…and my dreams of allergy shots, at this point are dreams. I will take it as a sign that this is not the right time. Clearly, having a long term relationship with this Dr. for shots is not going to happen! I can’t even get to the testing part! Thank God for my PCP, at least he will listens and prescribe what works…I have a feeling Dr. A is getting some kinda kick back for prescribing Symbicort, never mind patient care and what works for them! Onward and upward loves! Afterall, it is a New Year!

 

P.S. I promise to come back to this here, blog…soon…with pics!

"Really, I am done"!

“Terror in Wonderland”

Christmas eve has found us, as I sit at work waiting for an impending walk in to decide that TODAY, Christmas eve, is the day to be in a mental health crisis and need an assessment…will I be ready to give all that I need to give to this person in crisis, on Christmas eve? Yes. Yes, because I have gifts to wrap, stockings to fill, cooking to complete, a church service to find for tonight, a husband who got 2 hours of sleep last night because he stayed up working so we can do family things lately? No, none of these reasons are why I still have the strength to listen to another person whose life has fallen apart either from drugs, this economy, a lost loved one or chronic mental illness. I am able to rise to the occasion because of all of MY blessings, that continual remind me of how fortunate I am during this season of my life. I have health, a good family, a loving, wise, patient, UBER talented artist husband..see here… www.markrose.com and a beautiful little girl who is the apple of my eye! I also have met some of the most fantastic people  this year, in the most unsuspecting way…through blogging and playdates and my desire to reach outside of my box to find new friends and a larger purpose in my life…WOW did I get that…and perspective. I have met some awesome friends, who even through their grief, matt, sarah, heather, and andrea, have extended love and friendship to me. I have been enriched and driven to find numerous ways to give back and support my new friends and their efforts to better the lives of others. Recently, I decided to donate my coveted jet ski boat to www.cars4causes.com in which 70% of the sale of my boat will go directly to this foundation www.thelizlogelinfoundation.org It would have been great to sell it and get something back for my efforts I have put into that fast, adrenaline-pumping joy that was my post-graduate school gift to myself all those years ago, but alas, the efforts to sell it are more than we are prepared for and little ms. McKenna needs that area to play come spring. The only acceptable alternative in my mind, was to donate it with the profits going to a cause near and dear to me. So as of next week, it will be hauled away with all the planned day trips and memories that would have been for our family taken along with it…I will make sure to get a pick of McK in it though before then. So anyone considering donating a car, boat or RV should check out this site, since you can have your donation go to any charity you want and the LLF is listed now! What’s even better is the tax write off once your vehicle sells! On a different note, it is amazing how good it feels to completely give something away, I have felt this way before but on a different level. Never knowing recipients of the giving gesture. Now that I know people directly benefitted, it is really good for my soul. I made some barrettes recently for a friend’s little girl.. www.stillafamily.net   just because it is something I know how to do and hoped it would bring a smile to her face during this trying time for her…what I didn’t expect was how much love and happiness it would bring inside of me to hear how much she appreciated them…such a small gesture and so much good out of it..the true meaning of the season! So with that…please have a wonderful holiday with your families and enjoy this hilarious picture of my kid with santa! Before finding her way to his lap, she was smiling and happy when he waved at her…(sorry the pics are at the top. I don’t know how to put them down here and I don’t have the hubs around for help) Blogging newbie….enjoy!

Thanksgiving came and went fast this year. We barely put out a decoration. It was intimate, just Mark, McKenna, my mom and I and oodles of poodles between us! It was so low key we didn’t even cook, which was a first for all of us…and I may never cook again! Boston Market was the ticket, and not only was the clean up better, the food was too! We spent the day hanging out, resting, and took baby to her favorite “par, par”! which is “Park, Park”. We even got some gorgeous shots.

Funny thing about these blogs, I find myself almost irritated when the rest of you don’t post regularly, as I am curious about any updates, and yet I seriously lag about updating mine, maybe it’s because I don’t feel confident about this process for me or how to navigate this thing, it is still all so new to me. Oh funny story, Mark slep til 1045 am on Thanksgiving, so it was my mom and I who took it upon ourselves to “babysit”, uhhmm, “Parent” my child that morning. I swear it was only 1 minute she was out of our sight and I hear her drop the toilet lid and scream. Of course, I run in there and her little finger is stuck, so I pull it out…no need to look in the toilet.  Well, that was not to my advantage, as Mr. Rose later went in there to use it and found a little presento in the toilet…

…he says “Jeffra, there is something in the toilet that is disconcerting to me” What the “eff” does that mean…”you need to go look”, HAHAHA, “oh that, how did that get in there”? You would have thought I left her in there for an hour, unattended, which seems to be Mr. Rose’s concern whenever I “watch” said child. Why does this always happen on my watch, yo! She had apparently thrown a spoon, paper plate and bowl in the toilet, on top of what was NOT lemonade, who’s lemonade it was, I will never tell! So, he took a picture of it, evidence, I suppose to show my awesome parenting style…flush the toilet a few times kid, and you got the dishes DONE! sweet! kidding..but back to the title of my post…with all of the loss this year for those who are my blog friends http://www.stillafamily.net/ http://littlechandlerfamily.blogspot.com/ and those who I am fortunate to spend time with IRL http://www.mattlogelin.com/ http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/ I am reminded that life is short and ever so precious and through their losses I have been able to appreciate much more fully my blessings and happiness that those I love MOST are relatively healthy and still here on earth to love me in return! These are the gifts that these friends give me, daily…I only wish I could somehow gift them with the return of their loved ones. It is precarious sometimes, feeling uncomfortable that I have a husband and a healthy child in the face of those I care about so much who no longer have part of their family. I wonder what they think and if they are irritated by our different life courses…All I can do is continue to love them all, they have become integral parts of my day and life, in such a short time, I might add, and hope that they see how much I hurt for them and hope that through our friendship, a small bit of the load is lightened, that is my Thanks Giving, I give to them in return…it just isn’t enough I’m afraid…

This reminds me daily of the next holiday I’m looking forward to. . .

Merry Christmas 2009!